My kindergartner has a crush on one of the little girls in his class. He's come home on more than one occasion and told me how much he "loves" this little girl.
The other day at pick-up, his teacher asked me to stay a few minutes while she informed me that my son was "really into" this little girl. I nodded and smiled in agreement.
She then told me that my son had been touching her hair and trying to hug her and the way she put it was, "getting into her personal bubble".
My son has always been an affectionate little guy so this wasn't surprising to me but I could see how it would be annoying if the other person was constantly being subjected to it and needed a little more space. I told my son's teacher that I would talk to him about it.
On the way home from school I told my son that I understood that he was a very loving person and that this little girl was really pretty but that if someone asks you to stop doing something, you need to respect that boundary and stop doing it. All he said was, "Okay." But he looked sad.
The next day at drop-off, I saw the little girl's mother and I told her what was going on and I assured her that my son was not doing any of this to be mean or to harm anyone. That it was just his nature. I also told her that I talked with him about respecting people's wishes and boundaries.
I wasn't surprised when she told me that she had talked with her daughter too, but I was surprised at what the conversation had been like. The little girl's mother told me she asked her daughter if she had asked my son to stop. The little girl admitted to her mom that she hadn't. She had gone straight to the teacher.
Some of you readers know me well enough to know what my issue is with this.
After talking with this little girl's mother, I wondered why her girl didn't feel comfortable telling someone to simply stop. This bothers me greatly because we can't just expect others to know what we want or need. We need to tell them. Humans need to express emotions so that other humans know just what our personal boundaries and wishes are.
It's never too early to learn this.
Ever.
The sooner we begin teaching our children about effective communication, the better off in life they will be.
Now, the second part of this story is that I received a call from the school the other day. It was my five-year-old's teacher calling to tell me that my son had pushed another boy in the bathroom. She had sent my son to the principal's office. She told me that the reason she sent him to the principal's was the he had so recently had issues with keeping his hands to himself.
I explained to her that pushing someone and touching someone affectionately were two different things, unrelated to how the other person took it. I explained to her that I talked with my son about respecting people's wishes regarding touch.
My mom sense was kicking in and something didn't feel right about this. I didn't believe that my son would just push someone, unprovoked. I expressed this to his teacher.She told me she would try to talk to the other child and find out more information.
But this incident stayed in my mind all day until I went to pick up my son from school. I stayed after to talk with his teacher and see if she had found out any other information.
She told me that she had talked with the other student about it and with the principal and they had all come to realize that the most accurate situation they could come up with was that my son had been trying to hold the bathroom door open for this child and that it was too heavy. The door had started closing on my son (he's a pretty little guy) and as a result, my son had accidentally knocked this other kid into the wall.
Hearing this was relieving in a way. My mom senses had been right. But something still wasn't right so I investigated those thoughts.
These are the problems that I came up with. The solutions are not hard or out of reach for any of us but the willingness for teachers and other parents to understand this or accept it or even admit it is what I worry about.
1. It is everyone's job to teach our children that it is okay to communicate with other people. We don't need to go to an adult and "tattle" if it's something regarding our personal boundaries. We go directly to the source first.
2. A zero tolerance bullying policy does not mean that we as teachers and parents do not make the effort to look into the entirety of the situation. It does not mean we blame one child based on one experience. (This is just as bad as actual bullying, people.)
3. Keeping our hands to ourselves in a situation of affection is different than pushing someone for no reason at all. (You can't even compare the two.)
The norm needs to change. I do not like how children are learning (most-likely from their parents) that using an accident of someone's kindness is perfectly acceptable and okay to use to turn the system's zero tolerance bullying policy around so that the bullies are now becoming the "victims".
I am very upset and disappointed that this is even happening. I think it would be wise for the school system to reevaluate and really find out what a "zero tolerance bullying policy" really means and really looks like for everyone.
Zero tolerance of bullying means that this is a serious issue that is everyone's responsibility.
