The Vortex

I've been getting sucked into this vortex of oblivion.

It started shortly after my daughter passed away. I've never had much personal support in my life. I've been very independent and self-sufficient at a very young age. I've learned at an early age that the most reliable person is me. And still, I've ventured to find someone, anyone to give me some human support outside of my own head.

In late 2005, I discovered a website for mothers who had lost children. There were message boards where you could go and talk about only the things that other parents of loss know.  The site was created by a mother who had endured multiple losses and had written a book on it. 

I'd never paid much attention to the internet, message boards, social sites, and texting before I found this site. Cautiously, and very slowly I began to pour my heart out about the details of my loss and the intense emotional scars that came with it.

At first, I'd lurk. I'd read everyone's posts and internalize how I related with it or how I wasn't there yet and didn't understand that part of grieving my child yet. But then I began to carefully comment on mother's posts only if I had something encouraging and something I felt was worthy of saying.

Soon, I was on the site every day. I had even made some personal connections who would privately email me.  

I loved knowing that I wasn't alone. I love feeling connected to someone by something even though the situation wasn't ideal. I loved the interactions that got me out of my own head.

This is how I started out on the internet.  And not much has changed in what I want and what I look for. But the internet is not safe and it's not where I want to spend my time. (I'd much prefer real life interactions, face to face than behind a screen with people who use aliases and people who lie and bend the truth.)

I've felt like this for a while, I've just never put it into words until now. And now, years and many "social media" sites later, I feel like the internet is contributing to me living a lie. I've known for a while that it's not going to be a good place for me to connect with others. Not the way that I want to...And I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex that keeps whirling me around, threatening to spit me out but keeping me stuck from reality. Stuck from the truth.

For some reason I hate to leave.  Considering my history with internet, I don't know why that would be a problem but for some reason it is. I've worn myself down into the ground in my real, offline life trying to find and get the support I need - that I believe all humans need - but the problem is me.

My sensitivities, the way that I was born, the choices I've made, the things that are priorities to me, are never going to fit into this world. I guess the only thing left for me to do is accept that no one is ever going to want to be that for me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm independent enough and self-sufficient enough to survive on my own without another.

I know I am.  I just don't want to.

But I am going to work really hard at accepting that my differences are too much for others to handle. That my differences aren't wanted and that I will always be an independent human.  I will work on it but it's going to take time. And maybe false distractions like the forces of internet oblivion I need to let go.

~s.h.

I Do The Best I Can...

I was sitting in the bleachers at my boys' karate class today. My five year old really needs some support in the areas of focusing, paying attention, and following directions.  (Why he's in karate...)  He wasn't following directions, which isn't the first time this has happened in karate class. 

But what the instructor did, I thought crossed the line. The instructor told my son to come sit with me. That's fine. We've been through this before and I knew that I was going to have to tell my son what he did wrong, why, and how to fix it. It's part of the karate respect.  I don't have a problem with that.

But the instructor tells my son to ask me what the capital of Alabama is.  I couldn't think and I could.  A million thoughts were swirling through my mind including, I wonder if he really wants me to tell my son what the capital of Alabama is...  I was surprised and taken off guard. I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama. I couldn't think.  

I don't know if this is an HSP thing or just a me thing but I wasn't prepared for something as pointless as this.

I can do my mom job just fine. I was prepared to do so. But I felt that this was a lower blow. This was the instructor telling not only me, but everyone in the class, every parent that I was a bad mother and I was raising a bad kid. I obviously didn't know how to do my job right so he was going to try to do it for me.

Maybe it's because I've already been in a more-than vulnerable state for the past month or maybe because I'm just insecure and care what everyone thinks all the time. Maybe I'm a horrible person for that. Whatever. Make your judgments.

But that's just it. The judgments.  I felt like people were judging me. And maybe I do care too much what others think. Maybe you all are actually right when you say that and use it as an excuse to not go there with me. Maybe you were accidentally correct for once.

But why do you think someone like me (who gets judged just for simply existing) would try so hard to keep and maintain an image of perfection?  Think about it. I know you can come up with something intelligent that doesn't blame me.

I hate this whole situation because I feel like it puts me out of my element once again and I am being falsely judged for something that isn't truth. How many times..? If I had a dollar for every time that happened, you people would make me the richest person on the planet.

I hate myself because, yes. This is the ego realm. And yes, I hate the ego realm. And yes I am a hypocrite. And yes, I hate people who don't say what they mean and mean what they say...

I'm hurting. And I felt this whole thing could have been handled better. I felt I could have said something but I'm in such a fog that it was a double inconsideration towards me.

I do the best I can as a mom, but I can't control other people. My son needs to learn discipline on his own. I can't hold his hand every second of every day in public school.  I could try. But would that really help him?  And I guess I'm stupid because I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama out of context like that.

Stupid breeds stupid, I guess. Right?

Worn Down and Feeling Hopeless

Deep breath…I don’t even know where to start. It’s not that I have a bad life. Or that I don’t appreciate what I do have…It’s true I’ve had a hard life up until this point.  Probably more difficult than most people around my age. I don’t feel sorry for myself that things, life has happened to me. But sometimes I get sick of being in the presence of people who don’t get me. Who don’t even take the time to get me. Not that there’s anything to get.

But I do spend a majority of the time feeling judged.  I guess that could be my own insecurities. 

But I’m a people reader. I get people. I understand that dynamics of relationships. I understand the dynamics between heart and head and head and self. I pick up on minutia that most people pass right by.  I understand what’s going on. I don’t miss much.

The one thing I want more than anything in the world is connection with others. Not just connection on the acquaintance type basis. A real, genuine, deep connection where I’m giving out as much as I’m receiving. I’ve spent the past year searching for that. I’ve spent my energies and hard efforts on that and I feel I’ve come up empty once again.

I’ve made connections, sure. But most in the way of people misunderstanding me and judging me. I know. I don’t need these people in my life. But it takes a lot out of me to put forth all of the vulnerability only to come up and find assholes once again. Where are my people? Do people simply live side by side, parallel lives, never connecting with one another in deep sincerity?

I’ve worn myself out past my limit.  My priorities seem different than the priorities of the majority of people I’ve met. I feel hopeless because I know I can’t control other people’s desire to want to know me the way my soul burns to know them.

I don’t want that control. But I realize that’s why I feel hopeless. 

The paradox is that this is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted in life. I don’t want to be rich or powerful or popular. I just desire at least one person who wants to meet me where I’m at.

The thought has crossed my mind that I’m selfish. The thought has crossed my mind that I’m everything I hate. Maybe I’m an arrogant, judging, narcissist. Maybe that’s the reason…Maybe I’m not loving enough…It still feels hopeless. 

I’m sick of being so fragile.  My emotions are a never-ending roller coaster, my emotional pain tolerance sometimes bearable, other times, a sudden and abrupt shot to the heart.

Somehow I’ve made different choices than most. Somehow my desire to show up and be genuine and live in this awkward awakened state is a choice unlike others’ choices. My priorities are different. My choices prove that.

Being so human, I know that I am, I sometimes feel like such an alien for choosing this. But I can’t go back to the zombie-like state. I won’t. All of my deepest sufferings have been caused by my naïve unawareness.

If I could just find that connection…That one person who I don’t have to explain myself to, who accepts me and gets me…

Maybe it’s just supposed to be me. Maybe I’m all I need but it’s a sad day for me when I can’t connect with other humans. I feel lost. I believe my entire purpose is to connect with others, to lift them up when they are down, to guide their lights when they are lost, and to have someone do that for me in return.

This is what we’re here for. But I can’t control if others don’t want that from me. I can’t control if I’m right or wrong or too alien…