I've been getting sucked into this vortex of oblivion.
It started shortly after my daughter passed away. I've never had much personal support in my life. I've been very independent and self-sufficient at a very young age. I've learned at an early age that the most reliable person is me. And still, I've ventured to find someone, anyone to give me some human support outside of my own head.
In late 2005, I discovered a website for mothers who had lost children. There were message boards where you could go and talk about only the things that other parents of loss know. The site was created by a mother who had endured multiple losses and had written a book on it.
I'd never paid much attention to the internet, message boards, social sites, and texting before I found this site. Cautiously, and very slowly I began to pour my heart out about the details of my loss and the intense emotional scars that came with it.
At first, I'd lurk. I'd read everyone's posts and internalize how I related with it or how I wasn't there yet and didn't understand that part of grieving my child yet. But then I began to carefully comment on mother's posts only if I had something encouraging and something I felt was worthy of saying.
Soon, I was on the site every day. I had even made some personal connections who would privately email me.
I loved knowing that I wasn't alone. I love feeling connected to someone by something even though the situation wasn't ideal. I loved the interactions that got me out of my own head.
This is how I started out on the internet. And not much has changed in what I want and what I look for. But the internet is not safe and it's not where I want to spend my time. (I'd much prefer real life interactions, face to face than behind a screen with people who use aliases and people who lie and bend the truth.)
I've felt like this for a while, I've just never put it into words until now. And now, years and many "social media" sites later, I feel like the internet is contributing to me living a lie. I've known for a while that it's not going to be a good place for me to connect with others. Not the way that I want to...And I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex that keeps whirling me around, threatening to spit me out but keeping me stuck from reality. Stuck from the truth.
For some reason I hate to leave. Considering my history with internet, I don't know why that would be a problem but for some reason it is. I've worn myself down into the ground in my real, offline life trying to find and get the support I need - that I believe all humans need - but the problem is me.
My sensitivities, the way that I was born, the choices I've made, the things that are priorities to me, are never going to fit into this world. I guess the only thing left for me to do is accept that no one is ever going to want to be that for me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm independent enough and self-sufficient enough to survive on my own without another.
I know I am. I just don't want to.
But I am going to work really hard at accepting that my differences are too much for others to handle. That my differences aren't wanted and that I will always be an independent human. I will work on it but it's going to take time. And maybe false distractions like the forces of internet oblivion I need to let go.
~s.h.
