Through My Eyes

One of the different dynamics that I deal with as an HSP/Empath is that many people I meet feel comfortable opening up to me and sharing secrets with me about their private lives.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing but I've had to learn time and time again the hard way that this opening up - something that would normally indicate a sign of wanting the friendship to go deeper - is not because these people want the friendship to go deeper, it is because there is something about me (HSP/Empath) that gives people a sense of secure comfort in opening up to me.

For example, a few weeks ago, I was getting to know another mom at the school. Our kids are in the same class and we live in the same neighborhood.  She had been giving me all the signs that I thought meant she wanted to develop the friendship more. She had been inviting my kids and me to the neighborhood park with her and her kids. She had been acting like she was interested in the things she knew I was interested in. She had been buying my kids hot chocolates at Starbucks.

One day, we were at the park with our kids and she started talking to me.  Not just the normal every day chit chat. This was different.  I felt that she had opened up to me. She was telling me about some family trouble she was having.  It dealt with a husband being openly gay, yet still married to a woman, and a couple paying thousands of dollars every year for not one, but two swingers clubs.

I listened to her, my head swirling with thoughts of shock and disbelief but I didn't show judgment. Only compassion and caring. I admitted that I didn't understand but that I was trying to. I heard her out while she told me the whole story of neglected children, sex addictions, and empty marriages.

I went home feeling confused and alarmed but good. I kept thinking that no one would tell me things like she had unless they really wanted to have a true friendship with me. I knew that if it were me who was carrying these types of burdens, this wouldn't be something that I would just tell anyone. I was feeling really good that I had finally made a deeper connection with someone.

Then, only a few short days later, I lent my trust to this same friend. I asked for an opinion on something. I admitted that I trusted her opinion and that I was confused. To myself, I admitted that I trusted fully that she would act with the same compassion and understanding I had given her.

To my surprise, she did not. Just the opposite, in fact.

The effects wore me down. The betrayal hurt and the worst part was that when I expressed this to her she acted as if she didn't care and she refused to apologize.  The intensity of the sting wore me down. I felt my body and soul wanting to shut off and shut down as I tried to make sense of our very short friendship and the overwhelm that came with the happenings of the last few short weeks. I knew now in my heart that she wasn't a true friend. I knew that she would never be able to match my sincerity and compassion and caring for anyone in any situation.

Defeat and disappointment clung to me with the shock of the static electricity.

Once I was able to recover and sort out the confusion of all of the intense emotions I was feeling, I began to think with clarity. I began to realize that I read somewhere about HSPs and Empaths and how all people feel comfortable opening up to us. Maybe it is our pure vulnerability. Maybe it is the unconditional love and light we so freely emit from every pore of our beings. But something about being an HSP/Empath gives others a sense of secure comfort to open up and share their deepest, darkest secrets with us.

It's easy to see how I misunderstood this as a sign that she wanted to become close friends. But it doesn't take away the fact that it leaves me feeling used. This is not the first time something like this has happened to me and it most-likely won't be the last.  But whether people intend to or not, the hurt is still the same.  The disappointment and defeat for me are still real and valid.

Maybe she was not capable of returning that same integrity and sincerity to me.  Maybe she simply couldn't handle the deepness of the kind of friendship I thought we were moving into. I will try to remember this the next time someone seems to send me the signs of wanting a friendship only because I may seem "safe" to open up to.  But I hope that all of you non-HSPs can remember this the next time you come across a person you feel safe with. 

Don't lead them on.  They will be there for you either way but try to consider what the world might look like from their eyes too. Try to consider that using someone as your personal dumping ground because they are capable of it, is not acting with integrity.

~ s.h.

Bullying and "Toughing It Out"

Tell me again why it's a good idea to tell your children to "just tough it out" when someone behaves inappropriately.

Is it because we, as a society don't know what inappropriate vs. appropriate behavior actually is? 

Is it because we don't want to deal with the experiences that actually come with raising a child? 
Are we lazy in our parenting? 
Do we just not care?

Is it because it is considered "weak" to not accept anything less than complete and total human respect?

Let me tell you why it's not a good idea to tell your children to just tough it out.  

What kind of message do you want to send your children? If every time someone behaves inappropriately with them.  Example: punches, kicks, etc. Don't you think it's a little invalidating to tell them to "just be tough", or "just tough it out"?  What kind of message do you think they receive from that?

I'll tell you. They receive the message that it is completely acceptable, normal, and okay for any person to randomly come up and hit them, kick them, or push them. And worse. They receive the message that it is completely acceptable, normal, and okay for them (your child) to randomly hit, punch, or kick any random person including strangers.

Is this okay with you? It's not okay with me.  Why should I send my children the message that violence is okay and completely normal and un-punishable? Is violence un-punishable when we become adults?  I wouldn't imagine so as most adults who participate in violence do get punished for it by going to jail.

Another reason why sending the message that violence is normal and okay to our children is not okay is that we are teaching our children that the best people in the world are the ones who behave in inhumane ways with zero consequences. Why would that be good to teach our children?

In real life, there are consequences for our actions.  Both physically and spiritually, depending on your beliefs.

Do you care about your child's future? Do you care about the future of humanity? If you do, then  you'll understand why telling your children to just "toughen up" is the lazy, ignorant parenting way.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather do my job as a mom including having to deal with a few experiences (with teachers and parents) that may be uncomfortable for me so that I send a healthy message to my children.

Invalidating your children's needs by telling them to "toughen up" will not solve the problem of bullying and violence. You have to actually work at your job as a parent. You have to actually care enough about your children and their future.  You have to stop being so selfish about your personal comfort level, put your children first, and do the right thing.

The Lamb's Blood

I go to this MOPS group (mothers of preschoolers - They allow me to go because my youngest is in kindergarten.  But that's the oldest child one can have to be a member. After that, they kick you out.) It's at the church and through the church.  

I had a meeting yesterday and a pastor was speaking to us about Easter.  Easter is a fun story. So is Passover and so is Christmas and so are all of those other stories.  They are very entertaining and fascinating and they compose everything that makes a good story.

The pastor was talking about the lamb and Passover. 

"The Lord" had told the Egyptians that there would be a plague and that he was going to take the lives of every citizen's first born child. But he told them that if they were to sacrifice a lamb in the name of their first born children and smear the blood of the lamb over the doorway to their homes, he would pass over their homes and their first born child would not be harmed.

I just blurted out loud, sarcastically (okay it wasn't one of my proudest moments - or maybe it was), "Oh. That's what I did wrong." 

A few moms sitting near me looked up at me  and I was met with some smiles and then some  looks of horror on their faces. I instantly felt remorse and settled back in and shut up as the pastor continued on with the story.

But this got me thinking. I went home and cursed to myself, "Why didn't I smear lamb's blood over my doorway???"  

I was trying to sort all of this out and looked up the actual bible story.  You can read for yourself here: (It is fascinating, I won't deny that.)  http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus+12

But I got to thinking and what's disturbing to me is that there are people who think this is okay, more than okay, normal even.  

I began to wonder, why would "The Lord" sacrifice one life for another? I was sure I had heard before that "The Lord" valued ALL life equally.  

Then I remembered where I had heard that before.  It was in the abortion debate!  So now I'm wondering which is it? Does "The Lord" value ALL life the same? Or does he want us to sacrifice a lamb to keep our Sunflowers?

A few thoughts went through my mind. One was that "The Lord" suffers from split personalities. Another was that the people who follow "The Lord" suffer from split personalities - or worse.

It's all very confusing and disturbing to me.  Maybe Easter isn't about bunnies and chicks but I have a lot of empathy for the people who began making it about bunnies and chicks. 

The "real" Easter story is definitely riveting (no pun intended) but probably not one that many feel comfortable telling their children about. I don't blame them.

Betrayal

I was born cursed to be somewhat of an extrovert and at the same time to be so different or misunderstood from the majority of the population.

Aside from my holistic thinking, I have the capability to detect nuance that most people generally miss.  I understand the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I understand feelings and emotions and why and how people express them - or choose not to.

I am very open about who I am. I do understand why who I am, most times is unexpected or unwanted in society and so I try to be considerate of that by helping people to learn more about me. 

But being open, being sensitive, being empathetic leaves me very vulnerable.

I cannot tell you how many times (it's too many to count) that I've been betrayed by people for my openness.  There is a certain dynamic that happens and I haven't yet quite figured out why.  It's where people come into my life and claim to be accepting and understanding of who I am.  Sometimes they even claim that they don't understand it but they are still willing to accept it.

I feel like these people study me. They study what upsets me, they study who, what, and how to push my buttons. They study the range of my emotions and my expression of them. They study the dynamics of my interactions with different people and different circumstances.

Then, they turn around and when the time is right for them (and wrong for me), they use all of this against me. They use this knowing full well what it does to me. After all, they have studied me under the guise of "friend" for a long while now.

This is the worst type of betrayal I've encountered. This is the worst of my abilities and willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt.  You would think that after so many times of this I would stop being open, I would stop sharing myself wholeheartedly, and I would stop being vulnerable.

But I don't.  I continue be who I am.  

I don't understand why people are so compelled to be this way with me. I don't understand why they think it's a good idea or if they are even aware that they do this.  

I don't know how to tell people in a way to make them believe that the way I am, it actually has nothing to do with them or anyone else.

The way I am is the way I was made. It was the way I was born. If that bothers you so much I can suggest a couple of things:  1. You can stay away from me or 2. You can stay away from me.

But I am asking you please, do not harm me because of your issues.

What Does It Mean To Be Patriotic?

In America we have a problem. (Well, actually there are a lot of problems...) But there is a specific problem dealing with patriotism and what it means to be a proud citizen of the United States.

Politically, the gap has  become wider and wider between the two political parties and while I would make a guess that most people fall somewhere within a spectrum of each "side", there are stereotypes and judgments about either extreme.

First of all, if you've ever studied American history (even a little), you should remember that religion has a always been an integral part of this New World country.  Christianity was brought over straight from the European settlers way back when the lighter-skin-toned people immigrated here. All of the official documents that we now fight over were incorporated with "God" in mind.  That's just the way they did things back then. It's just something that was integrated into and originated with our so-called new freedom and "new land".

I don't think it makes any sense to allow the fact that this country was founded on many beliefs - including religious ones - to be offensive. After all, it is simply a historical fact. This country was founded not only on the beliefs and ideals of "freedom" and new beginnings, so was it founded on a deep set European belief system of Christianity.

The "God" in our history has never really bothered me.  It's not that I'm super religious or share many or any philosophies with Christians and Christianity. It's that I've accepted that it's just part of how our country was founded.  It's simply part of America's history.

So yes, the Pledge of Allegiance, said in schools does say, "One Nation, under God...". Yes, the Declaration of Independence does say, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness." Yes, our currency says, "In God we trust."  (That one is and has been debatable for a long while now.) But the point is that religion (Christianity) is part of our country's heritage.

Now hold on.

I never said that it had to be important to you or that you had to agree with it. I'm saying that it's part of this country's past.

Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly what you would call proud of a lot of what has happened in America's past.  And I'm not saying that you should be proud of the harm and destruction the people of the United States have caused upon themselves and on others.

But in the matter of patriotism, I think it's important that you at least know the historical facts.

Being patriotic doesn't mean that you allow your beliefs in God or even your beliefs in the lack of God to cloud your intellect. While God may have had a lot to do with the history and founding of this country, your belief in God - or not - should have nothing to do with your patriotism.

Patriotism is defined as, devoted love and support of one's country; national loyalty. Nowhere in the definition does it define how one goes about doing that. So it would seem that now, keeping the country's history in mind, the belief in God is simply irrelevant to being patriotic.

There's this neat thing about being human that both people of faith and people who don't believe in God are in agreement about and capable of utilizing.  This is called free will.

Religious and non-religious alike, we can all agree that humans do, in fact, possess the capabilities of having the liberty to make their own choices over every single aspect of their personal lives. Therefore, in the case of patriotism, we all have been equipped to decide for ourselves what devoted love, support, and loyalty looks like and means for us, individually.

And to me - God or not - this is really what the settlers were intending  to accomplish when they arrived on U. S. soil:

"Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."

To me, patriotism is not being in support of killing people in other countries, it's not owning a gun, it's not being afraid to make mistakes, it's not waving my country's flag anywhere and everywhere I can possibly think of.  To me patriotism is accepting my country's history for what it is and learning from my predecessor's mistakes. If I don't allow myself that freedom, no one else will.  It's kind of the nature of being "free." :-)

What does patriotism mean to you?