This isn't necessarily a bad thing but I've had to learn time and time again the hard way that this opening up - something that would normally indicate a sign of wanting the friendship to go deeper - is not because these people want the friendship to go deeper, it is because there is something about me (HSP/Empath) that gives people a sense of secure comfort in opening up to me.
For example, a few weeks ago, I was getting to know another mom at the school. Our kids are in the same class and we live in the same neighborhood. She had been giving me all the signs that I thought meant she wanted to develop the friendship more. She had been inviting my kids and me to the neighborhood park with her and her kids. She had been acting like she was interested in the things she knew I was interested in. She had been buying my kids hot chocolates at Starbucks.
One day, we were at the park with our kids and she started talking to me. Not just the normal every day chit chat. This was different. I felt that she had opened up to me. She was telling me about some family trouble she was having. It dealt with a husband being openly gay, yet still married to a woman, and a couple paying thousands of dollars every year for not one, but two swingers clubs.
I listened to her, my head swirling with thoughts of shock and disbelief but I didn't show judgment. Only compassion and caring. I admitted that I didn't understand but that I was trying to. I heard her out while she told me the whole story of neglected children, sex addictions, and empty marriages.
I went home feeling confused and alarmed but good. I kept thinking that no one would tell me things like she had unless they really wanted to have a true friendship with me. I knew that if it were me who was carrying these types of burdens, this wouldn't be something that I would just tell anyone. I was feeling really good that I had finally made a deeper connection with someone.
Then, only a few short days later, I lent my trust to this same friend. I asked for an opinion on something. I admitted that I trusted her opinion and that I was confused. To myself, I admitted that I trusted fully that she would act with the same compassion and understanding I had given her.
To my surprise, she did not. Just the opposite, in fact.
The effects wore me down. The betrayal hurt and the worst part was that when I expressed this to her she acted as if she didn't care and she refused to apologize. The intensity of the sting wore me down. I felt my body and soul wanting to shut off and shut down as I tried to make sense of our very short friendship and the overwhelm that came with the happenings of the last few short weeks. I knew now in my heart that she wasn't a true friend. I knew that she would never be able to match my sincerity and compassion and caring for anyone in any situation.
Defeat and disappointment clung to me with the shock of the static electricity.
Once I was able to recover and sort out the confusion of all of the intense emotions I was feeling, I began to think with clarity. I began to realize that I read somewhere about HSPs and Empaths and how all people feel comfortable opening up to us. Maybe it is our pure vulnerability. Maybe it is the unconditional love and light we so freely emit from every pore of our beings. But something about being an HSP/Empath gives others a sense of secure comfort to open up and share their deepest, darkest secrets with us.
It's easy to see how I misunderstood this as a sign that she wanted to become close friends. But it doesn't take away the fact that it leaves me feeling used. This is not the first time something like this has happened to me and it most-likely won't be the last. But whether people intend to or not, the hurt is still the same. The disappointment and defeat for me are still real and valid.
Maybe she was not capable of returning that same integrity and sincerity to me. Maybe she simply couldn't handle the deepness of the kind of friendship I thought we were moving into. I will try to remember this the next time someone seems to send me the signs of wanting a friendship only because I may seem "safe" to open up to. But I hope that all of you non-HSPs can remember this the next time you come across a person you feel safe with.
Don't lead them on. They will be there for you either way but try to consider what the world might look like from their eyes too. Try to consider that using someone as your personal dumping ground because they are capable of it, is not acting with integrity.
~ s.h.
