I was born cursed to be somewhat of an extrovert and at the same time to be so different or misunderstood from the majority of the population.
Aside from my holistic thinking, I have the capability to detect nuance that most people generally miss. I understand the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. I understand feelings and emotions and why and how people express them - or choose not to.
I am very open about who I am. I do understand why who I am, most times is unexpected or unwanted in society and so I try to be considerate of that by helping people to learn more about me.
But being open, being sensitive, being empathetic leaves me very vulnerable.
I cannot tell you how many times (it's too many to count) that I've been betrayed by people for my openness. There is a certain dynamic that happens and I haven't yet quite figured out why. It's where people come into my life and claim to be accepting and understanding of who I am. Sometimes they even claim that they don't understand it but they are still willing to accept it.
I feel like these people study me. They study what upsets me, they study who, what, and how to push my buttons. They study the range of my emotions and my expression of them. They study the dynamics of my interactions with different people and different circumstances.
Then, they turn around and when the time is right for them (and wrong for me), they use all of this against me. They use this knowing full well what it does to me. After all, they have studied me under the guise of "friend" for a long while now.
This is the worst type of betrayal I've encountered. This is the worst of my abilities and willingness to give people the benefit of the doubt. You would think that after so many times of this I would stop being open, I would stop sharing myself wholeheartedly, and I would stop being vulnerable.
But I don't. I continue be who I am.
I don't understand why people are so compelled to be this way with me. I don't understand why they think it's a good idea or if they are even aware that they do this.
I don't know how to tell people in a way to make them believe that the way I am, it actually has nothing to do with them or anyone else.
The way I am is the way I was made. It was the way I was born. If that bothers you so much I can suggest a couple of things: 1. You can stay away from me or 2. You can stay away from me.
But I am asking you please, do not harm me because of your issues.
