I was sitting in the bleachers at my boys' karate class today. My five year old really needs some support in the areas of focusing, paying attention, and following directions. (Why he's in karate...) He wasn't following directions, which isn't the first time this has happened in karate class.
But what the instructor did, I thought crossed the line. The instructor told my son to come sit with me. That's fine. We've been through this before and I knew that I was going to have to tell my son what he did wrong, why, and how to fix it. It's part of the karate respect. I don't have a problem with that.
But the instructor tells my son to ask me what the capital of Alabama is. I couldn't think and I could. A million thoughts were swirling through my mind including, I wonder if he really wants me to tell my son what the capital of Alabama is... I was surprised and taken off guard. I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama. I couldn't think.
I don't know if this is an HSP thing or just a me thing but I wasn't prepared for something as pointless as this.
I can do my mom job just fine. I was prepared to do so. But I felt that this was a lower blow. This was the instructor telling not only me, but everyone in the class, every parent that I was a bad mother and I was raising a bad kid. I obviously didn't know how to do my job right so he was going to try to do it for me.
Maybe it's because I've already been in a more-than vulnerable state for the past month or maybe because I'm just insecure and care what everyone thinks all the time. Maybe I'm a horrible person for that. Whatever. Make your judgments.
But that's just it. The judgments. I felt like people were judging me. And maybe I do care too much what others think. Maybe you all are actually right when you say that and use it as an excuse to not go there with me. Maybe you were accidentally correct for once.
But why do you think someone like me (who gets judged just for simply existing) would try so hard to keep and maintain an image of perfection? Think about it. I know you can come up with something intelligent that doesn't blame me.
I hate this whole situation because I feel like it puts me out of my element once again and I am being falsely judged for something that isn't truth. How many times..? If I had a dollar for every time that happened, you people would make me the richest person on the planet.
I hate myself because, yes. This is the ego realm. And yes, I hate the ego realm. And yes I am a hypocrite. And yes, I hate people who don't say what they mean and mean what they say...
I'm hurting. And I felt this whole thing could have been handled better. I felt I could have said something but I'm in such a fog that it was a double inconsideration towards me.
I do the best I can as a mom, but I can't control other people. My son needs to learn discipline on his own. I can't hold his hand every second of every day in public school. I could try. But would that really help him? And I guess I'm stupid because I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama out of context like that.
Stupid breeds stupid, I guess. Right?
