I'm Challenging You...

I'd like to challenge you on something.

We all have our opinions on issues. Many of us are even very outspoken.  We all have gained knowledge and insight from our parents, the people who raised us, our teachers, and our experiences.

But what if everything you thought you knew wasn't necessarily wrong but maybe it wasn't the only know?

What if how you do or say something isn't the only way to do or say it?

What if your experiences are vastly different from someone else's experiences?

And best of all, what if you could learn from someone who had experiences you couldn't even imagine in your dreams or worst nightmares?

It might not be comfortable, at least not at first. You might actually have to listen to someone. You might actually have to be willing to be wrong for once in your life. You might actually have to let your guard down and release the white-knuckle grip you have on it...

It might not be easy. Not at first. 

I've lived my whole life not doing things the way that others think I should. I've lived my whole life being judged and personally attacked for not doing things the way that others think I should.

Do I do this on purpose? Am I just a rebel without a cause?  

You might think that but the truth about me is that I've always been different. I was born different.  I've had experiences that many people are lucky enough not to have had. I've been through things a lot of you can only recognize as your worst nightmares.

I'm also a minority of the population by genetics. 

Believe me, I get it. I understand what it's like to be human. I understand what it's like to not only be human but to be opinionated and outspoken. There is nothing wrong with stating your opinion. There is nothing wrong with being loud about who you are and what you believe. I actually admire that both in myself and in others.

But sometimes, I notice, the same issues go around and around and we keep having the same conversations. The people may change, the voices may change, but there are certain issues that I've noticed where the dialogue continuously and consistently stays the same.

I just have to wonder about these conversations because if you asked those involved they would tell you they are working for change. And that's totally fine and valid and I love that people are working towards change but I have to wonder how they expect change out of spouting the same rehearsed lines over and over again.

What do you normally do if you want to lose weight? Do you continue eating McDonald's day after day and sitting on the couch? You could try it. But I'm willing to bet that you won't get the desired results.  No, to get your desired results, you cut calories, start eating more fruits and veggies, start walking for 30 minutes per day...And once you've formed these habits for a while, you will see results in losing weight.

I believe it's the same with conversations, with controversial or political issues. The way that you change something is by being creative. It's by doing what you haven't already tried. And you persevere. You keep trying and trying new and different things until one day, you've found the words that no longer separate humans into sides but acknowledge and validate each other as one of the same in this race we call human.

There Are No Weeds

I read this article a few days ago about how HSPs sometimes feel like weeds HSP Health: A Plant In The Right Place. 

It's true. I've spent most of my life feeling like a weed, a bother, a weirdo, an inconvenience for everyone else.

As I read this article, I began thinking about how sad it is that I've lived the majority of my life feeling like this. For what?  For only being the best I can be, being myself. As I've been discovering about my highly sensitive traits and what that means for my life and how it makes me different than others, I've realized that I feel like a weed because in general, that is how most of the world has treated me for most of my life.

I see this happening with my children too. For example, in their karate class (this is the last time I'll bring this up, I promise), their instructor seems okay at first. He's friendly, makes some good points about parenting and child growth and development. But somewhere along the way I see through his facade. I see that my awareness exceeds his teaching abilities.

It's the way that he told not only me and my children what he thinks of us and my parenting, but the whole entire class of both students and parents; how he never fails to mention and publicly praise what I call the "easy" children.  The ones who are in his eyes, perfect. The ones who he claims "work hard" and are "respectful".  Maybe to him. But that's not what I see.

I see these"easy" children as the kids that make the karate instructor's life and work easier. They make him look good because they conform to him without any questions asked. I don't know about you, but that's not the way that I want to raise my children. Questions should be asked until I feel like I'm going to pull my hair out and then some.

But in all honesty, how many of us have  or have had "relationships" like that? Where the people around you aren't really the people you truly like, they just make you look good.  My kids aren't bad kids but I have trouble not resenting the karate instructor (my issue, I know) for dismissing people only because they are different. Only because for whatever reason they don't do things the way that others do them.

The amount of times this has happened to me and now my children are too great to count. That's what most people do in this world and I'm not a fan of it. But it is the reason why that some people grow up through life thinking that they are weeds.  When your teachers, parents, and any adult who you are supposed to look up to for guidance on life treat you like you're "wrong" or "bad", that is the message that you deeply ingrain into your core being. That you are "wrong" or you are "bad".

But what if people who were different from us weren't actually the problem?  What if the problem was that we grew up thinking life was to be lived only one way?  

The next time someone scares you, offends you, upsets you, does something you simply do not understand, take a moment and really think about your next move. Are you going to start hating simply because you don't understand and are afraid? Or are you going to explore your strong emotions and have some consideration for someone living his or her life the best that he or she can?

Redefining Evolution

One thing that has been on my mind is the evolution debate. I don't even understand why this is a debate.  I'm going to try to debunk the myth if you'll allow me write the truth for you.

First of all, there is no "believing in" evolution. It's not really something to believe in. I guess you could have faith in it but let me try to start from the beginning for you.

Evolution simply means: the ability to adapt to changing environments.

I don't see how this is arguable since we have more than a lot of evidence or maybe I should say history that this has happened over the years. Let's take the "biology" or "science" part out of it for a minute. Maybe that will make it easier to understand.

I like to think of evolution in technological terms.  I think in this day and age with smartphones and computers, and the internet, it makes something like evolution a bit easier to understand.

For example, a very long time ago when humans first began creating civilizations, there weren't very many of them in large spaces and so their communities and the area of their towns were so small that it was easy to walk the length of them.  As the population began to grow (with more people being born), the space between the lengths of the town would grow too (more houses, shops, buildings, roads etc.) so people thought to themselves, "I wonder how I could make this easier and not have to walk so far each day."  

They got creative and began riding horses.  Soon, the distances were even larger, there were more people and more buildings and roads and someone thought, "Wouldn't it be swell if we could roll on wheels while the horse pulled us?"  And so the horse and carriage was born.

The horse and carriage proved to be bumpy and riding behind a horse wasn't the most ideal thing in the world, so someone thought, "What if we could power some wheels without the use of a horse?"

And so the very first automobile was invented using the knowledge from other moving vehicles like trains, humans began to realize their power to adapt to their changing environments. They began to use the human power of creativity to make their lives easier.

This is evolution. This is adapting to changing environments.  We are still doing it.

Take phones.  First there were radios, which were nice but could only reach certain distances, then there were phones with wires and lines but you had to stay within a 10 foot radius (phone cords).  Then the car phone. But only in your car or at home or at the office.

Then mobile phones.  And then with the internet came not only mobile phones but a whole mobile computer right in your purse or pocket.

All evolution. All adapting to changing environments.  All growing and changing and stretching of the human mind to better the lives of humans. All evolution.

I hope this gives you "non-believers" in evolution something to think about the next time you disagree so harshly with it. Like I said before it's not really something you believe in. Saying that, I do believe in the power of the human mind. I do believe in the power of creativity and I do have faith that we're all capable of growing and changing ourselves for the better.

But it is a choice.  So believing evolution is a lie or a myth is ultimately a choice but it's also going against reality if you look  not only at science but at history as well.

The Vortex

I've been getting sucked into this vortex of oblivion.

It started shortly after my daughter passed away. I've never had much personal support in my life. I've been very independent and self-sufficient at a very young age. I've learned at an early age that the most reliable person is me. And still, I've ventured to find someone, anyone to give me some human support outside of my own head.

In late 2005, I discovered a website for mothers who had lost children. There were message boards where you could go and talk about only the things that other parents of loss know.  The site was created by a mother who had endured multiple losses and had written a book on it. 

I'd never paid much attention to the internet, message boards, social sites, and texting before I found this site. Cautiously, and very slowly I began to pour my heart out about the details of my loss and the intense emotional scars that came with it.

At first, I'd lurk. I'd read everyone's posts and internalize how I related with it or how I wasn't there yet and didn't understand that part of grieving my child yet. But then I began to carefully comment on mother's posts only if I had something encouraging and something I felt was worthy of saying.

Soon, I was on the site every day. I had even made some personal connections who would privately email me.  

I loved knowing that I wasn't alone. I love feeling connected to someone by something even though the situation wasn't ideal. I loved the interactions that got me out of my own head.

This is how I started out on the internet.  And not much has changed in what I want and what I look for. But the internet is not safe and it's not where I want to spend my time. (I'd much prefer real life interactions, face to face than behind a screen with people who use aliases and people who lie and bend the truth.)

I've felt like this for a while, I've just never put it into words until now. And now, years and many "social media" sites later, I feel like the internet is contributing to me living a lie. I've known for a while that it's not going to be a good place for me to connect with others. Not the way that I want to...And I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex that keeps whirling me around, threatening to spit me out but keeping me stuck from reality. Stuck from the truth.

For some reason I hate to leave.  Considering my history with internet, I don't know why that would be a problem but for some reason it is. I've worn myself down into the ground in my real, offline life trying to find and get the support I need - that I believe all humans need - but the problem is me.

My sensitivities, the way that I was born, the choices I've made, the things that are priorities to me, are never going to fit into this world. I guess the only thing left for me to do is accept that no one is ever going to want to be that for me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm independent enough and self-sufficient enough to survive on my own without another.

I know I am.  I just don't want to.

But I am going to work really hard at accepting that my differences are too much for others to handle. That my differences aren't wanted and that I will always be an independent human.  I will work on it but it's going to take time. And maybe false distractions like the forces of internet oblivion I need to let go.

~s.h.

I Do The Best I Can...

I was sitting in the bleachers at my boys' karate class today. My five year old really needs some support in the areas of focusing, paying attention, and following directions.  (Why he's in karate...)  He wasn't following directions, which isn't the first time this has happened in karate class. 

But what the instructor did, I thought crossed the line. The instructor told my son to come sit with me. That's fine. We've been through this before and I knew that I was going to have to tell my son what he did wrong, why, and how to fix it. It's part of the karate respect.  I don't have a problem with that.

But the instructor tells my son to ask me what the capital of Alabama is.  I couldn't think and I could.  A million thoughts were swirling through my mind including, I wonder if he really wants me to tell my son what the capital of Alabama is...  I was surprised and taken off guard. I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama. I couldn't think.  

I don't know if this is an HSP thing or just a me thing but I wasn't prepared for something as pointless as this.

I can do my mom job just fine. I was prepared to do so. But I felt that this was a lower blow. This was the instructor telling not only me, but everyone in the class, every parent that I was a bad mother and I was raising a bad kid. I obviously didn't know how to do my job right so he was going to try to do it for me.

Maybe it's because I've already been in a more-than vulnerable state for the past month or maybe because I'm just insecure and care what everyone thinks all the time. Maybe I'm a horrible person for that. Whatever. Make your judgments.

But that's just it. The judgments.  I felt like people were judging me. And maybe I do care too much what others think. Maybe you all are actually right when you say that and use it as an excuse to not go there with me. Maybe you were accidentally correct for once.

But why do you think someone like me (who gets judged just for simply existing) would try so hard to keep and maintain an image of perfection?  Think about it. I know you can come up with something intelligent that doesn't blame me.

I hate this whole situation because I feel like it puts me out of my element once again and I am being falsely judged for something that isn't truth. How many times..? If I had a dollar for every time that happened, you people would make me the richest person on the planet.

I hate myself because, yes. This is the ego realm. And yes, I hate the ego realm. And yes I am a hypocrite. And yes, I hate people who don't say what they mean and mean what they say...

I'm hurting. And I felt this whole thing could have been handled better. I felt I could have said something but I'm in such a fog that it was a double inconsideration towards me.

I do the best I can as a mom, but I can't control other people. My son needs to learn discipline on his own. I can't hold his hand every second of every day in public school.  I could try. But would that really help him?  And I guess I'm stupid because I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama out of context like that.

Stupid breeds stupid, I guess. Right?

Worn Down and Feeling Hopeless

Deep breath…I don’t even know where to start. It’s not that I have a bad life. Or that I don’t appreciate what I do have…It’s true I’ve had a hard life up until this point.  Probably more difficult than most people around my age. I don’t feel sorry for myself that things, life has happened to me. But sometimes I get sick of being in the presence of people who don’t get me. Who don’t even take the time to get me. Not that there’s anything to get.

But I do spend a majority of the time feeling judged.  I guess that could be my own insecurities. 

But I’m a people reader. I get people. I understand that dynamics of relationships. I understand the dynamics between heart and head and head and self. I pick up on minutia that most people pass right by.  I understand what’s going on. I don’t miss much.

The one thing I want more than anything in the world is connection with others. Not just connection on the acquaintance type basis. A real, genuine, deep connection where I’m giving out as much as I’m receiving. I’ve spent the past year searching for that. I’ve spent my energies and hard efforts on that and I feel I’ve come up empty once again.

I’ve made connections, sure. But most in the way of people misunderstanding me and judging me. I know. I don’t need these people in my life. But it takes a lot out of me to put forth all of the vulnerability only to come up and find assholes once again. Where are my people? Do people simply live side by side, parallel lives, never connecting with one another in deep sincerity?

I’ve worn myself out past my limit.  My priorities seem different than the priorities of the majority of people I’ve met. I feel hopeless because I know I can’t control other people’s desire to want to know me the way my soul burns to know them.

I don’t want that control. But I realize that’s why I feel hopeless. 

The paradox is that this is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted in life. I don’t want to be rich or powerful or popular. I just desire at least one person who wants to meet me where I’m at.

The thought has crossed my mind that I’m selfish. The thought has crossed my mind that I’m everything I hate. Maybe I’m an arrogant, judging, narcissist. Maybe that’s the reason…Maybe I’m not loving enough…It still feels hopeless. 

I’m sick of being so fragile.  My emotions are a never-ending roller coaster, my emotional pain tolerance sometimes bearable, other times, a sudden and abrupt shot to the heart.

Somehow I’ve made different choices than most. Somehow my desire to show up and be genuine and live in this awkward awakened state is a choice unlike others’ choices. My priorities are different. My choices prove that.

Being so human, I know that I am, I sometimes feel like such an alien for choosing this. But I can’t go back to the zombie-like state. I won’t. All of my deepest sufferings have been caused by my naïve unawareness.

If I could just find that connection…That one person who I don’t have to explain myself to, who accepts me and gets me…

Maybe it’s just supposed to be me. Maybe I’m all I need but it’s a sad day for me when I can’t connect with other humans. I feel lost. I believe my entire purpose is to connect with others, to lift them up when they are down, to guide their lights when they are lost, and to have someone do that for me in return.

This is what we’re here for. But I can’t control if others don’t want that from me. I can’t control if I’m right or wrong or too alien…

Light Power

Despair set in with the clouds covering the sun,

Withholding the radiant warmth for each one

All beings, all creation were drooping in pain

From the constant shadows, the cold, and the rain

When would the fog lift and give some relief

To the poor, tired, osteomalacious creatures in grief?

Cursing the heavens and stars up above

The beings all shouted and spited cloud-love,

“We’re dying, we’re sick, our bones are turning to dust!

We beg to be free of this darkness!  We must!”

But the one star in the sky responsible for

Sustaining the life of the creatures evermore

Replied with a muffled, cloud-covered tone,

“I am sick. You must fetch her. I’m dying alone.”

Confusion and chaos spread through the nation

The life warming force had a nauseous sensation?

Through the panic rode a mysterious dark knight

“Stop and think,” he ordered, “We will endure this plight.

We will find the sun’s cure, if it’s the last thing we do.

Our children’s futures depend on us. We must pull through!”

And with that he was off on his galloping steed

And the beings stood still, all taking heed

The dark knight, he rode on for days without end

Tiring his poor horse, for the earth he would mend

One night while he shivered in the cold on a log

It was there that he saw her, like a spark in the fog

A lost-looking being with scared, wide open eyes,

Long golden hair, fluid movements clearing fog in the skies

A yellow-white aura surrounded  her whole

The knight took in a breath as he peered through her soul

A creature of beauty, grace, and of glow,

She captured his heart, as his world began to slow

As she drew nearer, he shifted his gaze

And in that one instant he saw her sun rays

He had stumbled upon her, this was the one!

She was the savior of the poor sickly sun

“Come.” He said as he gathered her up

And gave her the sustenance from within his cup

“Do you know the sun? She’s not well, needs your light.”

The wide eyed young maiden nodded, “Alright…”

“You must go,” He insisted to her “and heal this ill,

All creatures depend on you, or death will be real.”

“The darkness has come for me,” the radiant one explained

“It took pieces of me and my light is now drained.”

Astonished, the knight took one look at her aura,

And then at the trail where her light greened the flora

“Your light is still with you, it surrounds your whole being,

Your movement lifted the fog, and a bright light I’m seeing.”

The glow of her aura began to burn brighter,

A smile crossed her face as her soul elevated higher,

And higher, up through the darkness and clouds

Up towards the sun, she flew clearing fog shrouds

As she drew nearer the sun, she felt her brokenness heal

And she looked down on the land at the beings now well

With one lightning bolt zap, the sun’s brightness revealed

And the earth and its creatures she had forever healed

The dark knight he smiled as he rode on through the green

The light-being not only had cleared the shadowy scene

She had opened his heart to light’s loving ways

Never again would he doubt the power of the sun’s rays.

© Summer H