The Vortex

I've been getting sucked into this vortex of oblivion.

It started shortly after my daughter passed away. I've never had much personal support in my life. I've been very independent and self-sufficient at a very young age. I've learned at an early age that the most reliable person is me. And still, I've ventured to find someone, anyone to give me some human support outside of my own head.

In late 2005, I discovered a website for mothers who had lost children. There were message boards where you could go and talk about only the things that other parents of loss know.  The site was created by a mother who had endured multiple losses and had written a book on it. 

I'd never paid much attention to the internet, message boards, social sites, and texting before I found this site. Cautiously, and very slowly I began to pour my heart out about the details of my loss and the intense emotional scars that came with it.

At first, I'd lurk. I'd read everyone's posts and internalize how I related with it or how I wasn't there yet and didn't understand that part of grieving my child yet. But then I began to carefully comment on mother's posts only if I had something encouraging and something I felt was worthy of saying.

Soon, I was on the site every day. I had even made some personal connections who would privately email me.  

I loved knowing that I wasn't alone. I love feeling connected to someone by something even though the situation wasn't ideal. I loved the interactions that got me out of my own head.

This is how I started out on the internet.  And not much has changed in what I want and what I look for. But the internet is not safe and it's not where I want to spend my time. (I'd much prefer real life interactions, face to face than behind a screen with people who use aliases and people who lie and bend the truth.)

I've felt like this for a while, I've just never put it into words until now. And now, years and many "social media" sites later, I feel like the internet is contributing to me living a lie. I've known for a while that it's not going to be a good place for me to connect with others. Not the way that I want to...And I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex that keeps whirling me around, threatening to spit me out but keeping me stuck from reality. Stuck from the truth.

For some reason I hate to leave.  Considering my history with internet, I don't know why that would be a problem but for some reason it is. I've worn myself down into the ground in my real, offline life trying to find and get the support I need - that I believe all humans need - but the problem is me.

My sensitivities, the way that I was born, the choices I've made, the things that are priorities to me, are never going to fit into this world. I guess the only thing left for me to do is accept that no one is ever going to want to be that for me. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm independent enough and self-sufficient enough to survive on my own without another.

I know I am.  I just don't want to.

But I am going to work really hard at accepting that my differences are too much for others to handle. That my differences aren't wanted and that I will always be an independent human.  I will work on it but it's going to take time. And maybe false distractions like the forces of internet oblivion I need to let go.

~s.h.

I Do The Best I Can...

I was sitting in the bleachers at my boys' karate class today. My five year old really needs some support in the areas of focusing, paying attention, and following directions.  (Why he's in karate...)  He wasn't following directions, which isn't the first time this has happened in karate class. 

But what the instructor did, I thought crossed the line. The instructor told my son to come sit with me. That's fine. We've been through this before and I knew that I was going to have to tell my son what he did wrong, why, and how to fix it. It's part of the karate respect.  I don't have a problem with that.

But the instructor tells my son to ask me what the capital of Alabama is.  I couldn't think and I could.  A million thoughts were swirling through my mind including, I wonder if he really wants me to tell my son what the capital of Alabama is...  I was surprised and taken off guard. I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama. I couldn't think.  

I don't know if this is an HSP thing or just a me thing but I wasn't prepared for something as pointless as this.

I can do my mom job just fine. I was prepared to do so. But I felt that this was a lower blow. This was the instructor telling not only me, but everyone in the class, every parent that I was a bad mother and I was raising a bad kid. I obviously didn't know how to do my job right so he was going to try to do it for me.

Maybe it's because I've already been in a more-than vulnerable state for the past month or maybe because I'm just insecure and care what everyone thinks all the time. Maybe I'm a horrible person for that. Whatever. Make your judgments.

But that's just it. The judgments.  I felt like people were judging me. And maybe I do care too much what others think. Maybe you all are actually right when you say that and use it as an excuse to not go there with me. Maybe you were accidentally correct for once.

But why do you think someone like me (who gets judged just for simply existing) would try so hard to keep and maintain an image of perfection?  Think about it. I know you can come up with something intelligent that doesn't blame me.

I hate this whole situation because I feel like it puts me out of my element once again and I am being falsely judged for something that isn't truth. How many times..? If I had a dollar for every time that happened, you people would make me the richest person on the planet.

I hate myself because, yes. This is the ego realm. And yes, I hate the ego realm. And yes I am a hypocrite. And yes, I hate people who don't say what they mean and mean what they say...

I'm hurting. And I felt this whole thing could have been handled better. I felt I could have said something but I'm in such a fog that it was a double inconsideration towards me.

I do the best I can as a mom, but I can't control other people. My son needs to learn discipline on his own. I can't hold his hand every second of every day in public school.  I could try. But would that really help him?  And I guess I'm stupid because I couldn't think of the capital of Alabama out of context like that.

Stupid breeds stupid, I guess. Right?

Worn Down and Feeling Hopeless

Deep breath…I don’t even know where to start. It’s not that I have a bad life. Or that I don’t appreciate what I do have…It’s true I’ve had a hard life up until this point.  Probably more difficult than most people around my age. I don’t feel sorry for myself that things, life has happened to me. But sometimes I get sick of being in the presence of people who don’t get me. Who don’t even take the time to get me. Not that there’s anything to get.

But I do spend a majority of the time feeling judged.  I guess that could be my own insecurities. 

But I’m a people reader. I get people. I understand that dynamics of relationships. I understand the dynamics between heart and head and head and self. I pick up on minutia that most people pass right by.  I understand what’s going on. I don’t miss much.

The one thing I want more than anything in the world is connection with others. Not just connection on the acquaintance type basis. A real, genuine, deep connection where I’m giving out as much as I’m receiving. I’ve spent the past year searching for that. I’ve spent my energies and hard efforts on that and I feel I’ve come up empty once again.

I’ve made connections, sure. But most in the way of people misunderstanding me and judging me. I know. I don’t need these people in my life. But it takes a lot out of me to put forth all of the vulnerability only to come up and find assholes once again. Where are my people? Do people simply live side by side, parallel lives, never connecting with one another in deep sincerity?

I’ve worn myself out past my limit.  My priorities seem different than the priorities of the majority of people I’ve met. I feel hopeless because I know I can’t control other people’s desire to want to know me the way my soul burns to know them.

I don’t want that control. But I realize that’s why I feel hopeless. 

The paradox is that this is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted in life. I don’t want to be rich or powerful or popular. I just desire at least one person who wants to meet me where I’m at.

The thought has crossed my mind that I’m selfish. The thought has crossed my mind that I’m everything I hate. Maybe I’m an arrogant, judging, narcissist. Maybe that’s the reason…Maybe I’m not loving enough…It still feels hopeless. 

I’m sick of being so fragile.  My emotions are a never-ending roller coaster, my emotional pain tolerance sometimes bearable, other times, a sudden and abrupt shot to the heart.

Somehow I’ve made different choices than most. Somehow my desire to show up and be genuine and live in this awkward awakened state is a choice unlike others’ choices. My priorities are different. My choices prove that.

Being so human, I know that I am, I sometimes feel like such an alien for choosing this. But I can’t go back to the zombie-like state. I won’t. All of my deepest sufferings have been caused by my naïve unawareness.

If I could just find that connection…That one person who I don’t have to explain myself to, who accepts me and gets me…

Maybe it’s just supposed to be me. Maybe I’m all I need but it’s a sad day for me when I can’t connect with other humans. I feel lost. I believe my entire purpose is to connect with others, to lift them up when they are down, to guide their lights when they are lost, and to have someone do that for me in return.

This is what we’re here for. But I can’t control if others don’t want that from me. I can’t control if I’m right or wrong or too alien…

Light Power

Despair set in with the clouds covering the sun,

Withholding the radiant warmth for each one

All beings, all creation were drooping in pain

From the constant shadows, the cold, and the rain

When would the fog lift and give some relief

To the poor, tired, osteomalacious creatures in grief?

Cursing the heavens and stars up above

The beings all shouted and spited cloud-love,

“We’re dying, we’re sick, our bones are turning to dust!

We beg to be free of this darkness!  We must!”

But the one star in the sky responsible for

Sustaining the life of the creatures evermore

Replied with a muffled, cloud-covered tone,

“I am sick. You must fetch her. I’m dying alone.”

Confusion and chaos spread through the nation

The life warming force had a nauseous sensation?

Through the panic rode a mysterious dark knight

“Stop and think,” he ordered, “We will endure this plight.

We will find the sun’s cure, if it’s the last thing we do.

Our children’s futures depend on us. We must pull through!”

And with that he was off on his galloping steed

And the beings stood still, all taking heed

The dark knight, he rode on for days without end

Tiring his poor horse, for the earth he would mend

One night while he shivered in the cold on a log

It was there that he saw her, like a spark in the fog

A lost-looking being with scared, wide open eyes,

Long golden hair, fluid movements clearing fog in the skies

A yellow-white aura surrounded  her whole

The knight took in a breath as he peered through her soul

A creature of beauty, grace, and of glow,

She captured his heart, as his world began to slow

As she drew nearer, he shifted his gaze

And in that one instant he saw her sun rays

He had stumbled upon her, this was the one!

She was the savior of the poor sickly sun

“Come.” He said as he gathered her up

And gave her the sustenance from within his cup

“Do you know the sun? She’s not well, needs your light.”

The wide eyed young maiden nodded, “Alright…”

“You must go,” He insisted to her “and heal this ill,

All creatures depend on you, or death will be real.”

“The darkness has come for me,” the radiant one explained

“It took pieces of me and my light is now drained.”

Astonished, the knight took one look at her aura,

And then at the trail where her light greened the flora

“Your light is still with you, it surrounds your whole being,

Your movement lifted the fog, and a bright light I’m seeing.”

The glow of her aura began to burn brighter,

A smile crossed her face as her soul elevated higher,

And higher, up through the darkness and clouds

Up towards the sun, she flew clearing fog shrouds

As she drew nearer the sun, she felt her brokenness heal

And she looked down on the land at the beings now well

With one lightning bolt zap, the sun’s brightness revealed

And the earth and its creatures she had forever healed

The dark knight he smiled as he rode on through the green

The light-being not only had cleared the shadowy scene

She had opened his heart to light’s loving ways

Never again would he doubt the power of the sun’s rays.

© Summer H

My Priorities

I began loving the idea of social media and the internet when it first became available because I've never really had to opportunity to know what it's like to get the kind of love, acceptance, and support that the rest of the world does with my offline, "real life" family and friends.

Being an HSP/Empath is not being a real person to many people and the expectations are that I should just be non-highly sensitive and non-empathic. I guess these are valid expectations for the closed minded. But there are just some things that a person can't change about themselves.

I wouldn't want to change for anyone else if I could. It's not fair to even ask me to change. I know I have high expectations and I'm extremely passionate about growth and learning not only for myself but for others.  But I believe the disconnect is when others expect me to lower my standards to meet them where they are.

If I were to lower my standards to meet most people where they are or to be like most people, I would have to be more callous. I would have to be more uncaring. Being more callous and more uncaring and more unfeeling would be growing the wrong direction for me. If you can even call that growth... 

If others were to try to meet me where I am, they would learn to be more loving, they would learn to be more open.  Learning to be true and to love seems to me more like the direction a person would want to grow...

Psychologists have been finding out in their research that connection with others is very much needed for not only human survival, but for thriving. But I can't control what others want and how they want to interact with me. I wouldn't want to control it.

I had originally joined social media sites to find some others who maybe were capable of more than the people I knew around me.  But the people who love quieting truth speakers, and love quieting kindness took over the internet just like they do with everything else and I'm not too thrilled with the internet and social media now.

To me, it looks like one big ego feeding contest.  As an HSP/Empath, I don't enjoy living in the ego realm. I don't enjoy others who enjoy living in the ego realm. 

As much fun as it may seem to have your ego stroked, begging for approval and gambling away self dignity says a lot about a person. It says that they have little to no self-respect. It says that they have such low self-esteem, that they desperately seek the constant approval of others.  I imagine they always come out feeling empty too... 

This is the online world now. We've somehow morphed the absolute worst human qualities into mass sharing and as a whole given the message that these are our priorities as humans.  This is what you do to be one of us.

Maybe I'm here by divine mistake - It could happen!  Or maybe I'm from a different planet or from the future or the past...

It's isolating knowing that I continue to try with family and friends and the people I know offline and I continue to try with the people I've met online, never receiving the connection I desire. But it's become increasingly obvious that no one is interested in being authentic and no one is interested in authentic connections.  No one seems to have the life priorities I do.

I would ask you where you would go and what you would do to find the connection you needed if you were me but I realize that true, authentic connection is not very important to most of you.

I've never known a "Christian" to show up authentically...

I sit and wait quietly in the church gym. This church is as big as my entire neighborhood. It reminds me of every school gym I have seen, except this gym boasts money.

I watch the other moms as they sit down, walk around, get up and hug or shake hands with other women. Busy and bustling with every air of importance.

Perfect curls and painted faces…

Thoughts of comparison creep into my mind. Urging myself to stop comparing myself to these women I become distracted as I’m comforted by my next thought

I wonder what their secrets are…

Having been near religious people my whole life, I know that the focus is The Appearance. 

Hell, it’s the focus for everyone these days religious or not. But I’ve noticed that the religious ones seem to have more of a certain perfection status to live up to.

Unfortunately, often this “perfection” is only for the benefit of "the church", disguised through the religious preachings

As love.

My self-deprecating thoughts are lost as the thought creeps up on me:

Everyone has secrets.

I look around, trying to imagine what everyone’s secrets are. What are they not saying? Who are they pretending to be? What are they hiding behind those perfect curls, that "humor",  the mask of makeup so perfectly applied….?

Absurdly, the speaker is speaking on Authenticity while these thoughts tumble around in my brain unending.

Authenticity.

Showing up.

Being vulnerable.

Showing your whole self to the world not just the parts you think they want to know about. Not just the parts you think you want to know about.

I wonder how many mothers in this room ever show up authentically...I doubt it's many.

How many people, in general would even recognize The Authentic much less appreciate it should it be right in front of them...

Parenting Isn't About Me

My kindergartner has a color code for behavior in his classroom.  Each student has a clip with her or her name on it and everyday they begin the day with their clips in the very middle color.  

The chart goes from red (being the worst behavior), through purple (being excellent behavior). Each day, due to each student's individual choices, he or she will lower or raise their clip accordingly.

I picked up my son a few days ago and he could barely contain his excitement.

"Mom! Mom!  Guess what?" he exclaimed as I picked him up from school. 

"I went to purple today!"  He said, beaming.  

This was a bit of a surprise for me as he is not a bad kid but he does usually have trouble listening and focusing in a school type of setting. I asked him what he did to deserve his clip being raised to the highest color. 

The whole way home he told me about making good choices, getting his work done on time, and listening.  

I praised him almost the entire ride home.

That night I was checking my email and I saw that I had one from his teacher. I opened it feeling good, thinking I knew what it was about.

In the letter she had written:

I just wanted to let you know that (your son) had to drop his name to red today. The principal was not involved but the behavior was that he was goofing around and not doing his work. He had to be repeatedly reminded not to continue the behavior.

I was stunned.

Then I was mad. I was so mad. I couldn't believe that my own sweet son had manipulated me. I felt like I wanted to take back all of the praise I had given him earlier. 

I was hurt. I felt betrayed and it was probably one of the worst feelings I've received from one of my children.

I told him that his teacher had emailed me and that he needed to go to time-out. The time-out was as much for me as it was for him as I needed some time settle my angry feelings and to think about why he had possibly done this.

I also knew that I needed to separate my frustrations with what was actually going on with him.  Reactions are usually based on our own emotions. Not on taking care of others. And I needed to sort through my intense feelings so I could clearly understand his.

I came to the most empathetic conclusion that I could. My son had had a bad day. He may have been having strong emotions that he didn't understand coupled with the fact that school does not cater to young boys whose last wish is to sit still for hours on end and listen and focus.

I realized that my son had reached out to me for the words of encouragement he had been lacking.  

I knew what I needed to do.  I went and got him out of his room and told him that I understood that he lied to me because he was afraid that I would be upset with him. I told him I understood that he wanted my praise more than my disapproval. 

I also told him that I wasn't mad at him for dropping his name to red. I was mad that he had lied to me. I told him that even though I understood why he lied to me, that it was not okay for him to lie like that.

I do wonder sometimes if I'm too hard on my kids. I wonder if my expectations are too high for them.  I'm not upset that he made this mistake because I realize that him making mistakes now is the best time to make them. 

As we get older, the consequences for our mistakes increase greatly and life is not so forgiving.