I'm finding out that accepting the loss of Sunflower means much more than simply accepting that she is no longer with me and that she never will be in this lifetime. Accepting losing her means that I have to learn how to accept myself with the part of her that I am missing.
She was very much a part of me. She is very much a part of me. She was a part of me in the way that all children are part of their parents. Both biologically and spiritually. She was a part of me in that she lived - she was alive - inside of me for nine whole months. That's not something neither my mind or body can deny.
Sunflower still is very much a part of me. She lives in my heart. The memories I have of her kicking my stomach or fluttering around inside of me are part me. The way that I got to know her as a person as she grew and my belly swelled is part of me.
Sunflower is and always will be a part of me.
In accepting that she is physically gone and that she is not here sharing life with me I have the realization that accepting my loss means accepting myself the way that the loss changed me. Yes, I am still the very same person in many ways that I was before I even knew her and then lost her. I am an individual. I am Summer. I am still Summer.
But losing her meant losing part of myself. A part that I will never get back in this lifetime. Losing her meant that I lost some innocence. I learned that sometimes bad things happen to people for no logical reason. Losing her meant that even though I am not sad all of the time anymore, that I can become sad at sudden memories. Losing her means that even though I am the same me, I have changed and my philosophy of what it means to be alive has changed.
This is the part of me that I am finding difficult to accept. This is the part of acceptance that has been difficult for me to grasp all of these years. Accepting that losing my daughter has changed me and that the changes that occurred within me do not mean that I don't love her or miss her or feel any differently than I ever did, is the part of acceptance that I've struggled with.
I will always be myself. I will always be the same person since I was created. But the experience of losing Sunflower has also changed me in ways that I can never go back to before I lost her.
Accepting the loss of my daughter means accepting myself now in this moment. Accepting myself now, as a changed human from my experiences does not mean that I deny the experience. Accepting myself means accepting that life experiences change me and that it's a very common phenomenon in all living things.
We are made the same, we change, we adapt. That is life and even though the grief tricks me into thinking otherwise, I am not alone.
~s.h.
