I've been doing some trauma therapy work. It's fascinating to me how our brains, bodies, and beings are so capable of the information that we store.
In trauma, the memories are stored in the body. The memories are kind of like repressed memories. But they are stored physically and literally inside of the body.
In trauma therapy a client will do what is called reprocessing. This means exactly what it sounds like. Memories of the event or experience will be talked about or brought up to the level of consciousness and all of the emotions surrounding the trauma will become fresh and new as if it had just happened.
This reprocessing must be done in order to cope with the trauma effectively. If the work isn't done after a traumatic event, the body will employ coping mechanisms that may cover the issue up or avoid it, but not fully deal with it. This is how many times trauma can lead to drug or alcohol use and abuse.
Spiritual and emotional healing cannot happen without learning how to think about the trauma in new healthy ways.
I've been dealing with some raw emotions and experiences dealing with my reprocessing which means that the reprocessing is working and that I am doing the work to achieve healing.
But the work has been lonely and the nature of grief is to be and feel alone. I've found in my healing, I need to share with others. I've met others who tell me they do their best healing alone. But for me, I need to share to heal.
I've tried to reach out to attend a support group for parents who have specifically lost a baby. But there aren't very many options which is probably good. Maybe that means there aren't enough people who need a support group like this.
I hadn't reached out to find a group like this since directly after I lost Sunflower. About a month ago I spent a good amount of time on the phone trying to find a group. It is exactly what I went through directly after her loss.
I finally was able to reach someone who facilitated a support group for newborn and infant loss. She called me back. I felt worse after talking with her. To me, a support group would be an opportunity for us as humans to include others. To acknowledge our human rawness in that we all go through very similar emotions, traumas, and griefs.
But the woman on the phone was not out to include or to make me (or probably others) feel a part of something. She had an agenda and it was apparent by the questions she asked me. Maybe this is something I notice because of my sensitivities and maybe it doesn't bother the rest of the population. I don't know. But it didn't feel very good.
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing the best that I know how to under the circumstances. I would go out on a limb and say that that is probably how the majority of us feel the majority of the time. But it's when people who are supposed to be helpers come across as manipulative or like they have an agenda that it ruins what could have been something to save the world when they turn it into the same old hate and discrimination that we can all find anywhere and everywhere.
It's disappointing to me that it's more important for some people to live out their days being destructive with exclusion and judgments and to use something like an infant loss support group to basically in their own words tell people: No, your loss isn't as good as these other people's so you don't need help. Go do it on your own.
I'm sure the facilitator is not aware of herself enough to understand that what she is doing is destructive and harmful but needless to say I will be going through this alone. Again.
I just hope that this time I can work through the loneliness to come out healthier on the other side as it's apparent to me that the rest of the world still has no interest in allowing me into their inner circles. No matter what the "similarity" factors may be.
