Deep
breath…I don’t even know where to start. It’s not that I have a bad life. Or
that I don’t appreciate what I do have…It’s true I’ve had a hard life up until
this point. Probably more difficult than
most people around my age. I don’t feel sorry for myself that things, life has
happened to me. But sometimes I get sick of being in the presence of people who
don’t get me. Who don’t even take the time to get me. Not that there’s anything
to get.
But I do
spend a majority of the time feeling judged.
I guess that could be my own insecurities.
But I’m a people reader. I
get people. I understand that dynamics of relationships. I understand the
dynamics between heart and head and head and self. I pick up on minutia that
most people pass right by. I understand
what’s going on. I don’t miss much.
The one
thing I want more than anything in the world is connection with others. Not
just connection on the acquaintance type basis. A real, genuine, deep
connection where I’m giving out as much as I’m receiving. I’ve spent the past
year searching for that. I’ve spent my energies and hard efforts on that and I
feel I’ve come up empty once again.
I’ve made
connections, sure. But most in the way of people misunderstanding me and
judging me. I know. I don’t need these people in my life. But it takes a lot
out of me to put forth all of the vulnerability only to come up and find
assholes once again. Where are my people? Do people simply live side by side,
parallel lives, never connecting with one another in deep sincerity?
I’ve worn
myself out past my limit. My priorities
seem different than the priorities of the majority of people I’ve met. I feel
hopeless because I know I can’t control other people’s desire to want to know
me the way my soul burns to know them.
I don’t want
that control. But I realize that’s why I feel hopeless.
The paradox
is that this is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted in life. I don’t want to
be rich or powerful or popular. I just desire at least one person who wants to
meet me where I’m at.
The thought
has crossed my mind that I’m selfish. The thought has crossed my mind that I’m
everything I hate. Maybe I’m an arrogant, judging, narcissist. Maybe that’s the
reason…Maybe I’m not loving enough…It still feels hopeless.
I’m sick of
being so fragile. My emotions are a
never-ending roller coaster, my emotional pain tolerance sometimes bearable,
other times, a sudden and abrupt shot to the heart.
Somehow I’ve
made different choices than most. Somehow my desire to show up and be genuine
and live in this awkward awakened state is a choice unlike others’ choices. My
priorities are different. My choices prove that.
Being so
human, I know that I am, I sometimes feel like such an alien for choosing this.
But I can’t go back to the zombie-like state. I won’t. All of my deepest
sufferings have been caused by my naïve unawareness.
If I could
just find that connection…That one person who I don’t have to explain myself
to, who accepts me and gets me…
Maybe it’s
just supposed to be me. Maybe I’m all I need but it’s a sad day for me when I
can’t connect with other humans. I feel lost. I believe my entire purpose is to
connect with others, to lift them up when they are down, to guide their lights
when they are lost, and to have someone do that for me in return.
This is what
we’re here for. But I can’t control if others don’t want that from me. I can’t
control if I’m right or wrong or too alien…
