Still Me

I struggle with a lot of things in life. But it never ceases to amaze me how there is always one thing that seems natural. Even in my darkest hours, in the moments when I feel the weakest and I struggle to imagine going on, the one thing I am always consistently good at is guiding my children in a positive way.

It always amazes me as to where this natural strength comes from to be their rock when my world is shattering. It's almost as if I were meant for this job. 

I look at my past parenting and I am overly self-critical on the things I messed up on, the things I could have done differently.  But my children rely on me even when I feel my weakest. They rely on me for my strength, my guidance, and my love.

I amaze myself by what I teach them, how I guide them, what I instill in them, and my unconditional love for them. Somehow through my darkness, they draw something useful out of me.

My children teach me that even when my light becomes a dim glimmer, I'm still their mom, I'm still me.

Inside Depression/Anxiety/Internal Struggles

You have to climb your way out of the darkness and it's not pretty, full of mud and gunk and other nastiness. And you climb only to slip and fall and land back at the bottom of the hole.

There at the bottom, you curse the darkness for now you have to start climbing your way out all over again.

And reaching the top, you are not safe. The top is slippery. One false move and you're back on your ass at the bottom of that damn hole!

Falling and climbing back up the hole is not for the weak.  It takes everything you have and sometimes more to pull yourself up through the slippery mud and nastiness to reach the top.

But the sunlight feels so good and you once again make the ascent, even if only for a glimpse of the light at the top before you slip back down into murkiness and despair.

The darkness threatens to swallow you as you are now accustomed to falling into this pit of despair.  But one last tiny thought reminds you of who you truly are and you see a spark within yourself and it's just enough to get you up and out one last time.

And for a moment you remember that the hole, the darkness, the blackness doesn't define you. You are not darkness. You are light.

Saving the Sun

Despair set in with the clouds covering the sun,

The green of the grass, the warmth of each one

Covered by darkness enveloping all creatures,

All of life’s form that gave earth all of its features;

All beings, all creation were drooping in pain

From the constant shadows, the cold, and the rain

When would the fog lift and give some relief

To the poor, tired, osteomalacious creatures in grief?

Cursing the heavens and stars up above

The beings all shouted and spited cloud-love,

“We’re dying, we’re sick, our bones are turning to dust!

We beg to be free of this darkness!  We must!”

But the one star in the sky responsible for

Sustaining the life of the creatures evermore

Replied with a muffled, cloud-covered tone,

“I am sick. You must fetch her. I’m dying alone.”

Confusion and chaos spread through the nation

The warming life force had a nauseous sensation?

Through the panic rode a mysterious dark knight

“Stop and think,” he ordered, “We will endure this plight.

We will find the sun’s cure, if it’s the last thing we do.

Our children’s futures depend on us. We must pull through!”

And with that he was off on his galloping steed

And the beings stood still, all taking heed

The dark knight, he rode on for days without end

Tiring his poor horse, for the earth he would mend

One night while he shivered in the cold on a log

It was there that he saw her, like a spark in the fog

A lost-looking being with scared, wide open eyes,

Long golden hair, fluid movements clearing fog in the skies

A yellow-white aura surrounded  her whole

The knight took in a breath as he peered through her soul

A creature of beauty, grace, and of glow,

She captured his heart, as his world began to slow

As she drew nearer, he shifted his gaze

And in that one instant he saw her sun rays

He had stumbled upon her, this was the one!

She was the savior of the poor sickly sun

“Come.” He said as he gathered her up

And gave her the sustenance from his cup

“Do you know the sun? She’s not well, needs your light.”

The wide eyed young maiden nodded, “Alright…”

“You must go,” He insisted to her “and heal this ill,

All creatures depend on you, or death will be real.”

“The darkness has come for me,” the radiant one explained

“It took pieces of me and my light is now drained.”

Astonished, the knight took one look at her aura,

And then at the trail where her light greened the flora

“Your light is still with you, it surrounds your whole being,

Your movement lifted the fog, and a bright light I’m seeing.”

The glow of her aura began to burn brighter,

A smile crossed her face as her soul elevated higher,

And higher, up through the darkness and clouds

Up towards the sun, she flew clearing fog shrouds

As she drew nearer the sun, she felt her brokenness heal

And she looked down on the land at the beings now well

With one lightning bolt zap, the sun’s brightness revealed

And the earth and its creatures she had forever healed

The dark knight he smiled as he rode on through the green

The light-being not only had cleared the shadowy scene

She had opened his heart to light’s loving ways

Never again would he doubt the power of the sun’s rays.

© Summer H

My Perception

This is how I view the world:

All different colors of joy.  With a sweet gooey center. Some are a little nutty and some are full of air. But we all possess the same sweetness, the same darkness, and the same goodness...

(These are for my kids to take to their parties this week.)