I waited for
that moment, the one where certain happiness arrives and you are home. I waited and waited. And when it finally
came, I was disappointed. Once again, my vivid imagination had set the bar too
high and disappointment and defeat became as evident as the sun rising in the
East on a clear day.
Holding out
hope, I clung to the last bit of truth I knew; That the journey wasn’t
over. What was it that I was living for?
With my latest disappointment strapped to my shoulder, I swung the bag over so
it was secure and started down what I thought at the time was a different road.
Securing my sack of sacred wounds.
But lessons unlearned
don’t disappear. And like the days
morphing into nights and the nights brightening into days, this one popped up
again. To my deluded surprise. My complete misunderstanding and unawareness of
the present moment brought on the same set of problems I’d faced, disguised as
new ones.
With bold
and brave intentions, I hiked to the dead center of it. Finding myself amidst the harsh reality of tests
only some power of the universe creates.
Or had I
created it? It was definitely a possibility. But not at the time.
At the time
I thought I’d run past my luck, that I’d been handed low cards. But my life
wasn’t about luck or chance.
Fighting,
fighting myself and the will to go on. Fighting the doubts that kept creeping
into my immature mind. I’d do better next time, I told myself. But I wasn’t at next time. And next time wasn’t
here.
I cursed the
universe for giving me the wrong cards.
But the
universe, god, weren’t to blame.
It was I. I
held all of the power in one small hand.
I had chosen this for myself. I
had chosen to live. Had I known what
living would mean for me at that exact moment in time I would have given it
second thoughts.
To be continued…
