Dream Processing

Something strange has been happening to me.

I've been having dreams inside of dreams.

I can think of at least two movies on this topic, one is one of my favorites - and if you haven't seen it, it is must see called Waking Life.  The other one I think most people have heard of is called Inception.

When I first saw both of these movies, I really liked the ideas about being able to control your dreams and being able to go deeper into dreams. I especially love Waking Life and the thoughts and insights that were brought up around life, metaphysics, and perceptions. But when I saw both of these movies I wasn't sure I had ever experienced this type of sleeping and dreaming before.

Since I've been working on my traumas and therapy around my traumas (specifically the loss of Sunflower) for almost a year now I  have had difficulty with nightmares and waking from sleep going directly into panic attacks upon waking. These are not fun experiences and they actually cause a vicious cycle with insomnia, depression, and anxiety.

I guess you could say that my awareness has evolved around these happenings (Which is good. It means that I'm growing and healing.) because last night I was having a lucid dream (not uncommon for me). I don't remember what it was about the dream but I remembered that something scary was about to happen and so (I think to protect myself) I tried to wake myself up.

I thought I had awoken myself but when I "woke up" I was in my bed, in my room and something scary was happening. I can't remember what the scary thing that was happening was but I think that I had a False Awakening.

But because I was attempting to "save" myself from the frightening happenings of the dream, I actually woke up this time (I think from the fear) and was freaking out, trying not to panic.

This has happened to me more times than I can count over the past year or so. I know it has happened before then too but it was not as frequent. My best guess is that the trauma therapy is causing the reprocessing to happen and so these types of occurrences are part of the healing process.

I don't know for sure if that is the case but I will be discussing it with my therapist the next time I see her. It doesn't make it any less scary though.

I do believe that dreams are where we work out our conscious issues sometimes so I guess it's not too surprising to me that I would be working through my trauma healing even in my sleep. It's not the first time I've had a dream that has helped me process my waking life.

I think the thing I need to focus on through this is that I can see the evolution of my awareness with the dreams and the false awakenings. 

And that gives me a little bit of hope.

Forsaken Faith

I am healing. 

I've noticed it in the little things.

I've noticed it the way that I have conquered the intense anxiety and depression over the past seven months. I've noticed it in the absence from my dance class and then upon returning to dance, remembering all of the steps as if I had practiced them tirelessly in the weeks and months I neglected the class.

I am healing.

I see everything I've worked for finally come to a place of peace and understanding. 

You'd think this would be a good thing. But I am afraid of it. I am afraid of feeling better and I'm afraid of getting better.

What happens when I feel better and something worse happens to me or my family? What happens when the universe rips me apart even more than it already has and it's finally just enough to end my life?

I'm afraid to feel good. Feeling good in the past has meant unawareness that has lead to bad things happening to me. Feeling good in the past has lead to the unthinkable, heart breaking, soul squeezing distress.

So why should I allow myself to feel good now?

The logical, intelligent part of me knows that it doesn't matter how I try to avoid life from happening. It knows that more bad things are in store for me whether or not I allow myself to feel good or to feel bad. The logical part of me knows there is no escaping the knives in my back and the shattering of my heart.

I just want my life to be boring. For once. 

I want to not worry so much about things. I want to allow myself the peace that I deserve. But I know that the second I allow it, the unimaginable will happen. Again. 

And I will be left alone, forsaken in the stormy seas of grief and despair.